A Little Explanation

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By Godsmack

I appreciate my blogger friends, especially since I have only a couple of very close friends in the flesh. I have many ‘buddies‘ that are cool to hang with, we run in the same circles, enjoy the same hobbies/love for horses/work, and a lot of them even have children the same age as my own. But, I have only 2 real friends who I remotely feel comfortable discussing such things with, such as my problems with the Asshole in my life, who has been there for nearly 2 decades, well…over 16 years but today it feels like freakin’ 20 years.

I am not the nicest person on this Earth, I am not easy to live with, and I do not get along with everyone. I am NOT a people person and would rather spend my time with my horse or just animals in general. I found out at a very early age in life, people suck and they let you down, they leave, they move on, they find more important things to involve themselves with. It is inevitable. It is part of the human nature. Animals, are dependable until they die, that is just how it is my life, always has been, always will be, most likely. I will at least admit to my own faults. I try to treat everyone equal and expect the same treatment in return.

I have been plugging along on my BA in Biology. I have taken, many, many, classes online. I now need to attend some classes at the Tulsa OSU Campus to further my degree. I am 3/4 of the way to finishing my degree. The classes are expensive. I need to take out a student loan in order to finish my degree. If I enroll now, I can start in October. Just like hubby and I discussed last spring. Now, S. (husband) says we cannot afford it. I am like WTF?!?!! It is NOT like we will starve, or bills would go unpaid. It is NOT like we DO NOT have money in the bank. So, we had a big knock down drag out fight about this Saturday, then again this morning. S. said “why do you want to finish? its not like you’d use that degree either!” taking a cheap shot because I have other college degrees I do not use, at least not lately. That really, really pissed me off. Beyond words, so I shut up and I am staying shut up. I’ll work this fall shipping cattle, I’ll find a few more horses to train, I’ll pay for my own courses, I will NOT speak of it again to the asshole. Thats over with.

S. did take a cheap shot. I would still be working if he had not almost demanded I quit working full time and be a stay at home mom. I have always worked, I worked when we met, I been self-reliant, supporting myself and my horses since I was 16 yo. I still finished high school and went to college, all on my own, with the help of best friend L.’s family. (Long story, my dad remarried to the greedy bitch from hell who did not like me or the fact that I went to a provate school and I moved out. She is long dead now, not that it bothers me one bit, but I do not like it that my elderly father is alone at 75 yo.) Ever since S. and I had son#1 in 1994, he has tried to get me to quit working outside of the home. I would never do it until the end of 2002 when he wore me down. That is when I resigned from my well paying job and started training horses full time. Then we decided to have Toddler Terror. I think I was possessed by another entity throughtout those months in my life, because those decisions are so unlike the real me – Resigning from a excellent position, then getting preggers on purpose! So, since S. wants me NOT to work outside of our home, how can I utilize my higher education? He is a jerk! I think he just wants me to have to depend on him for everything……not something I can do quietly.

Okay, another episode from this weekend. My car’s rear-end started making a noise. I am NOT mechanical, I know nothing about cars or machinary, and I do not pretend to do so either. Son #1 being the smart kid he is heard the sound first, pointed it out to me then we told his dad, S. S. said, “okay, I’ll look at it when I have a minite.” No problem, I think. He said it was okay to drive. Shit! It barely has 16,000 miles on it. I love this car by the way. So, yesterday, hubby takes my car to fill it up with gas. Upon his return, he starts hollering at me, ME, about driving my car with “whateverpartitwashementioned” doing something to the brakes. Again, I am like WTF?!?!! “You, the licensed mechanic and dude with the mechanical engineering degree, said it was OKAY to drive my car and you would look at it!” Then he hollers, “fuck it, take it to a garage, its under warranty anyhow.” I do not do well with people who holler and/or cuss at me – I have no tolerance, too bad for the asshole. So, I told him to go fuck himself.

These were just the 2 worse episodes, much more has happened, more than I care to type about.

On a much happier note, I accidently washed son #1’s IPOD in the clothes washer and it still works! I could do cartwheels over this fact since he bought it with his own hard working money he earned this summer. It is one of his most prized and used possessions…….



Filed under Rants

6 responses to “A Little Explanation

  1. hang in there and take it all in the context of the relationship.

    We all (myself especially) say shit we really don’t mean.

    And, yes, I know (“then don’t say it in the first place!”).


  2. I’m not a people person either for many of the same reasons you’re not. I used to always have a couple of close friends to confide in but for the past 5 years or so I haven’t gotten close to anyone. It’s partly due to the fact we’ve moved so much and now I don’t even remember how to make friends. Part of me misses it and part of me likes it that way. I’ve almost become a recluse. I know where you’re coming from…sort of.

    I also can identify with the education vs husband thing too. He said go to school go to school but everytime I went back we ended up moving. Always felt like sabotage.

  3. portascat-Ill try to take your advice 😉

    unackowledgedgenius-sabotage, what a great word for what I am feeling…..

  4. Aniin BG,

    I’m going to say that all men are assholes at times, including me. We usually act this way out of fear. Fear of losing control, of not being the *MAN*. I consider you a friend no matter what. I like that you are real. You can’t let me down because I have no expectations. I receive your friendship with the spirit of peace and love that it is given.
    Diane and I went through some very dark days, very dark. So dark that we could see no way out. What kept us together was that we always loved each other, we just couldn’t seem to communicate honestly. We fought about money, her health, my jobs, just about everything except that what was the real problem. We were both so scared of life that we took it out on each other.
    We love you BG, you are a *true* friend to us, and we will support you no matter what. I know talking is not your thing, but Diane is here for you, give her a chance to listen if you can.

  5. *I hate blogger, it ate my comment*

    Dear BG-

    I am not a people person either, and would much rather spend my time with any animal, even a crocodile, than a person.

    I too only have 2 good friends I trust my most inner dark secrets with. That would be Laura and Diana. They are my sisters from another mother. But both of their moms have adopted me as their “other” daughter.

    I don’t trust people, no sir, people are finiky! (i spelt that wrong). My mistrust comes from my first 2 years of live when I was not taught emotion or love. I am just now at the age of 26 almost 27 learning how to love someone. It’s hard, and I don’t like it, because you only end up getting hurt in the end. (example james and I).

    My mom used to say “I pitty the man you marry one day.” I used to think that was a real bitchy thing to say, but the truth of the matter is, I also pitty that man, if he ever comes into my life. Because I am not the easiest person to get along with, my moods change with the wind. I’m a real bitch, but I’m not afraid to let people know that up front, that I am a bitch.

    Just so you know if you EVER EVER, need someone I am only 30 minutes away and would not hesitate to come to you if you needed to talk or escape. Really, I would do that for you 🙂

    *Hugs* Hang any there sweeTIT (inside joke with another blog), and I hope everything works out for you *Hugs*


  6. Uhhhh wanna go to Cali with me? I think theres enough room for the horse. Horses on a Plane! Get it? heh I kill myself.

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